Dead Flowers

There is a song that I absolutely love.

Now, I know there are more impressive songs out there.  I am also aware when we become completely obsessed with a song and put it on repeat, effectively playing it out for ourselves for a little while (if you are like me, you love music so much that you can never actually manage to play something out for good - just genuinely hate songs to start).  I think this song falls somewhere in between for me.  The song is "Dead Flowers" as performed by Townes Van Zandt, written by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards (of the Rolling Stones for those of you who don't know).  I heard it at the end of The Big Lebowski and it was the primary reason I purchased the album.  I know, I know...who in their right mind still buys CDs in this day and age, and for one song for that matter?  Well, I am a bit old-fashioned in that way.

I played the song once (I play guitar) for a female friend of mine, who I imagine will be a recurring topic in much of my blogging.  Maybe one of these days I will explain the history, but for today I want to focus on the topic of this song.  I played the song for her as I often play songs for her.  She made a usual comment at the time that I continued to play some rather sad songs.  To be honest, although some of it may have been in jest, I did not always pick sad songs on purpose.  I guess I have such a connection with sadness that it is hard for me to see some as sad as they are.

Now, if you have ever heard the song, I will admit at this point that it is rather sad.  Right now I have it playing as I drink from a frustrating day at work that I have stopped complaining to her about for reasons I would rather not get into (but even I know that if I don't start now this whole damn blog will be about her).

Shit, new paragraph.  I want this blog to at least be semi-interesting.  I mean, I really connect with the guy.  I know she would never see me as a loser, but I sure as hell do.  Or at least I see myself turning out as a loser as she goes on to be something spec-fucking-tacular.  I know a lot of people have been here, but whatever.  To be honest, I don't really know what he's talking about in the chorus and I don't feel like taking it up for discussion.  Okay, okay...getting to the point, it's about this song being on a soundtrack.  If you've never seen the movie, I won't tell you why, but this song is rather appropriate after the only actual tragedy that any of the characters experience and react to (in a character growth way) takes place.  So to me, this song makes sense after a rough day.

Here I am on a Sunday night/Monday morning, drinking, a miserable fuck, alone.  I should be so lucky to get another girl to take the pain away.  She tells me she's worried about taking my interest away from other women.  It really isn't in my nature to be hung up on someone, or a hopeless romantic; and for a second, when I pursue other relationships, I forget for at least a second.  But when I see the way I am with people, my friends, my family...I wonder what the hell is really wrong with me.  I know I will end up with friends who don't know me even half as well as she does, a half-assed relationship with my family, and probably marry someone who'll never know me.

I really hope it's the beer.  As I think about this song, and why she finds it so sad, I find I am able to cry for the first time in quite a length of time.  This is a good and bad thing, which I hope will be understood if I ever have the ability to talk about my depression.

I cry.  For the first time in a long time.  And I can only hope I wake up okay.  Because if I don't...

it will be a long time before I stop.

On the plus side this beer tastes really good.  New Belgium's Trippel.  I recommend it.